Joanie Bridges Diary
by Anida Bath
Summary: After being stood up, Joanie Bridges decides to change her life. So far she's gotten into a affair with her boss Draco Malfoy, and her parents have split. And why the hell does the Potions Master show up at unwanted moments? Based on Bridget Jones Diary
1. Chapter 1

As I walked into my mother and fathers house I realized how dismal my life must really be.

_Not only was this my thirty second year being single, but it was the thirty second year I will have spent it with mum and dads. _

_Oh fuck all._

"Joanie, my darling!"

My mother trilled walking over to me gracefully in her bright pink ensemble.

_My mum, a strange creature from the time when pickles on toothpicks were still the height of sophistication_.

I winced as her grey hair matted against my cheek, _ahh the smell of "Everlast Fairy Blast." _

*_Gags uncontrollably.*_

Pulling back from me she frowned.

"Wha'?"

Wrinkling her nose she gathered a lock of my thin blond hair.

"Using muggle shampoo still?"

"Its cheaper mum,"

"Nothings cheap anymore, Joanie!"

She tutted throwing her arms in the air,

"But that doesn't mean paying a lot of money to look good is a bad thing."

"Right I'll keep that in mind next time I'm kicked out of my apartment because I spent all my money on hair products."

I snipped tucking my hair behind my ear.

"Hush."

She snapped, but then smiled.

_ Oh gods the smile...the one that practically reeked the news of her finding someone for me._

"You know the Zambini's have close connections with a recently divorced teacher from Hogwarts."

"Do they."

I yawned leaning against the door frame.

_Bloody hell couldn't we go to the den and talk?_

"Indeed,"

my mother grinned obviously mistaking my remark for hope.

"He had personally worked with Albus Dumbledore in the plot to take down the dark lord."

"Mmm."

_Gods why were my eyes getting heavy?...oh wait...now I remember._

_ It was the same thing every year._

_ Her._

"Anyway he was divorced last summer, married to a Vela," She paused, "Very cruel race."

"So I've been told."

Mum ignored me and then gathered a hand full of my robes in her hand.

Sighing she let them drop.

"Well it's a good thing I've already got something for you picked out."

_Oh dear Merlin no..._

"Mum I nothin's wrong with this."

_Sure I was slightly underdressed in just my robes a tee-shirt and jeans, but I didn't look terrible._

"Nonsense, you'll never get a boyfriend if you look like you wandered out of Azkaban."

"Rather be there than here.."

I mumbled picking at a loose string on my sleeve.

"Oh hush, now go up stairs and put on what I've picked out for you."

_Great. I'm wearin a rug_.

I thought totally mortified at my mothers choice of outfit for me.

It had golden and brown colored leaves seemingly pressed on to a dark green canvas.

_Bugger me._

A couple of witches and wizards spotted me by the archway that lead into the Zambini's dinning room.

I smiled as best as I could muster, walking rather awkwardly out into the middle of the room.

"Jo' darling!"

_Thank gods!_

I smiled as I found the man that was calling for me...probably the only man to ever call me.

"Dad."

I smiled hugging a tall round man with thinning hair.

"I see your mums found a dress for you."

I rolled my eyes as he laughed.

"Ah well, its only for today,"

He then pulled out a small white stick from his pocket,

"Ciggy?"

"Please."

I smiled accepting it gratefully.

Sticking it in my mouth my father snapped his fingers and a flame ignited from the friction.

After lighting I took a long drag.

"Gods thats nice."

"Joanie!"

My mum said appearing out of no where and grabbing my arm.

"Mmm!"

I whined holding onto the cigarette for dear life with my lips as I was dragged across the room, eventually snatching a glass of firewhiskey off a passing house elf. My eyes grew wide as I suddenly realized what she was doing.

"Mum..no I don't-"

But the direction where she was leading me changed and we came upon a man who had his back turned to us.

_Mmm, talk, dark hair, nice robes. Perhaps mum finally got it right this time._

"Ah, Severus!"

She called approaching him.

The man named Severus faced us fully.

My directly landed on his large hooked nose, black penetrating eyes and thin lips.

_*sighs*_

_ Perhaps not._

He looked at my mother and I with a strained look of sheer boredom mixed with a scowl.

"Severus, this is my daughter Joanie, Joanie this is Severus Snape, Potions Master at Hogwarts School of Witch Craft and Wizardry."

Snape bowed his head slightly as did I.

"Louise."

A pale woman said walking up to the three of us.

"Yes?"

"The pumpkin juice has run out."

"Oh..right. Well I'll just leave you two to get to know one another."

_Awkward...._

"So."

"So."

He murmured looking at anything but me.

"Are you staying in Wiltshire for New Years?"

"No. You?"

"Ah, no. Was at a party in London last night, I'm afraid I'm a bit hungover."

I gave a nervous laugh, "Wish I could be home with my head in a toilet like all normal people..."

He seemed to be sneering at me now.

"...ah! New Year's Resolution: drink less..and quit smoking...and quit talking total nonsense to strangers...actually, quit talking, full stop."

_I chortled forcefully, damn why did he look so uncomfortable?_

"Yes. Well. Perhaps its time to eat."

He said shifting his eyes away from me.

Nodding my head I walked over to the tiny buffet table and began loading my plate with finger foods.

Looking up I found the Potions Master talking to the woman that had called my mother away.

"I do not need a blind date. Particularly not with some verbally incontinent spinster who drinks like a fish, smokes like a chimney, and dresses like her mother."

He sneered glancing over at me.

My heart sank a considerable amount as I only smiled at him and acted as if I hadn't heard a word he said.

And it was at that moment, that I knew....I had to change.


	2. Chapter 2

**Saturday January 3rd**_"__ I do not need a blind date. Particularly not with some verbally incontinent spinster who drinks like a fish, smokes like a chimney, and dresses like her mother."_Merlins balls why did his words keep echoing through my mind. Oh well, I well simply drown it out with Bacardi and some muggle singer whose name presently escapes me...Shifting up on my couch in my apartment, I grabbed my wand and flicked it at the radio. A somber piano tune sashayed out and taking a drunken sip of my Bacardi I began to sway._ "When I was young I never needed anyone And making love was just for fun Those days are gone Livin' alone I think of all the friends I've known When I dial the telephone Nobody's home." _Finishing my glass quickly I sat down the empty crystal, stood up and used my wand as a microphone, _"All by myself...Don't wanna be All by myself Anymore!!!"_

**Sunday January 4th **Okay will make mental note to not EVER pass out with a lit cigarette in hand. I've casted every mending spell I know, and the blasted hole in my carpet will not go away! Fuck all! *Clears Mind* I casted a distasteful glance around my two bedroom apartment. Kitchen was relatively clean with its black marble counter tops and white oak cabinets...Living room was littered with snack wrappers and blankets from where I crashed on the couch. Bedroom hasn't seen a male person in over *counts on finger* mmm...10 months. "Oh sodding hell!"Sighing I grabbed my wand, "Accio Diary!" I paused, "Accio Di-" WHAP!! "-ary." After rubbing the sore spot on my head, I grabbed a pin off the coffee table I flipped it open to a new blank page.

_Dear Diary,_

_As I sat here in a hungover state of mind this very unpleasant Sunday morning I realized this has got to change. Not only am I 32 and single, but am very confident that a flubberworm under the imperious curse wouldn't shag me. Joanie Bridges needs a new lease on life, Joanie Bridges will not grow old-er in spinsterhood to adopt many cats naming them after celebrities. Though am quite fond of the name Katy Perry, could perhaps change that to Kitty Purry?...__**NO!**_ _*shakes head* No, will not get any cats. I will remain a strong witch and will avoid all contact with a certain Potions Master. Blind date his pasty arse! Like even if I had made a good impression I would have gone out on a date with that sodding cauldron licker. Will make wizards oath to have respectable job, body, and boyfriend by this time next year. Bugger this sounds like a New Years Resolution...okay I can do this..._

Getting up from my spot on the floor I walked into my blue tiled bathroom and stepped on the scales. *Winces* Stepping off I picked up my diary and wrote, _Resolution number one: obviously will lose twenty pounds. _As I walked down the hallway I felt something soft tickling the back of my leg. Reaching behind me I pulled off a pair of my favorite underwear I had lost two months previous. Tossing my underwear in the clothes hamper I scratched some more in the little red book, _Resolution number two: will remember to find all missing panties and place them in the clothes basket. _Finally sitting down on the couch in my living room I tucked my hair behind my ear._ Number three: will find nice sensible boyfriend and not continue to form romantic attachments to alcoholics, workoholics, peeping-toms megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits or perverts. And will not fantasize about a certain person that embodies all of the above.__** Draco Malfoy.**__....and also will remember where I put diary before I "Accio" it into the back of my skull again._

Closing my diary I pulled out my wand and went into the kitchen. The best way to start fresh with the New Year was to make everything else...fresh. I was going to clean this buggering pig stye with every cleansing spell known to wizard kind. Flicking my wand at the radio on my fireplace mantle I place it on an upbeat muggle song. _"All eyes on me in the center of the ring, just like a circus.."_

**9 a.m. Ugh. Cannot face thought of going to work. Only thing which makes it tolerable is thought of seeing Daniel again, but even that is inadvisable since am fat, have spot on chin, and desire only to sit on cushion eating chocolate and watching Xmas specials. It seems wrong and unfair that Christmas, with its stressful and unmanageable financial and emotional challenges, should first be forced upon one wholly against one's will, then rudely snatched away just when one is starting to get into it. Was really beginning to enjoy the feeling that normal service was suspended and it was OK to lie in bed as long as you want, put anything you fancy into your mouth, and drink alcohol whenever it should chance to pass your way, even in the mornings. Now suddenly we are all supposed to snap into self-discipline like lean teenage greyhounds. **

**10 p.m. Ugh. Perpetua, slightly senior and therefore thinking she is in charge of me, was at her most obnoxious and bossy, going on and on to the point of utter boredom about latest half-million-pound property she is planning to buy with her rich-but-overbred boyfriend, Hugo: "Yars, yars, well it is north-facing but they've done something frightfully clever with the light." **

**I looked at her wistfully, her vast, bulbous bottom swathed in a tight red skirt with a bizarre three-quarter-length striped waistcoat strapped across it. **


End file.
